Shattered Dreams
by Ahmiri
Summary: Tohru had found her own happiness and Yuki knew that he wasn't part of it. That's what had driven him to where he was now; quietly speaking into the phone, hoping the others wouldn't hear him. "Hatori, I need to ask you a favor."
1. Shattered Dreams

**I feel awful now. I feel worse for writing this than writing Fare Thee Well and he doesn't even die in this story. If this is what happens when I write things at one in the morning maybe I shouldn't write things at that time of night/morning. The song is one people are probably familiar with: Shattered by Trading Yesterday. I wasn't even going to make this a songfic but I was listening this as I wrote and ended up using the lyrics. Please don't hate me for writing a story like this… T_T**

**This story also explores what might have happened to Yuki if he hadn't kept dreaming of something better while locked away in the dark room. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket, its characters, or the lyrics. All rights go to Natsuki Takaya and Trading Yesterday.**

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding_

_I fall into your sunlight_

_The future's open wide beyond believing_

_To know why hope dies_

OoOoO

For every love there is pain. Love _was_ pain. Yuki had come to know this over the months of watching Tohru grow closer to Kyo. He saw it in her eyes and in that adorable blush. Each time it hurt and each time it destroyed him.

After years of building up a fantasy while surrounded by darkness, he'd found that dream brought to life in Tohru. From the beginning she'd shown him the kindness he'd been denied so many times over. The sudden exposure to it was overwhelming and terrifying. He hadn't known what to do at first.

Now that he'd finally realized what his heart had been telling him all along it was too late. She'd found her own happiness and he wasn't part of it. That's what had driven him to where he was now; quietly speaking into the phone, hoping the others wouldn't hear him. "Hatori, I need to ask you a favor."

It wasn't his own heartache he wanted to stop, but the possibility that he might come between her and happiness. If his emotions were only going to hinder her happiness then he'd get rid of them in any way he could, no matter what it did to him or how much it hurt.

OoOoO

_Losing what was found_

_A world so hollow_

_Suspended in a compromise_

_The silence of the sound is soon to follow_

_Somehow, sundown_

OoOoO

"Yuki, are you sure?" Hatori asked. "You don't have to do this."

Yuki felt the pain constrict his heart. He didn't want to… not really. He only knew that he couldn't bring a smile to her face the way Kyo could and a world without her smile was unimaginable. "Erase them. My feelings aren't important anymore. They never were."

Hatori put his hands in his pockets, looking at Yuki uncertainly. He seemed so lost and hurt, as if he honestly didn't know what else to do. "If that's what you truly want."

Yuki nodded. "It is."

Finally, Hatori sat down in the chair across from Yuki. He hated taking memories, especially when they were something precious. For Yuki to give up something so treasured only to ensure her happiness… Well, Hatori hoped that Tohru realized at least to some extent how much Yuki cared for her. It just didn't seem fair that some one who had struggled and hurt so much should have to give up a cherished dream. Hatori had been one of the few who had a full understanding of what Yuki had gone through when he was younger and there was no doubt in his mind that Tohru was Yuki's entire world and worth more to him than anything else even as he gave up those feelings.

OoOoO

_And finding answers is forgetting_

_All of the questions we called home_

_Passing the graves of the unknown_

OoOoO

Yuki closed his eyes in preparation. _I love you_, he thought. Hatori put his hand over his eyes and Yuki took a deep breath. In what little time he had left, he went over all of the times his pulse had quickened and those times he'd suddenly been aware of the fact that Tohru had been looking at him and the flushed face he'd had to hide from her. The time he'd very nearly let his heart run away with him and kissed her in his brother's shop only to be interrupted. That feeling of relief when she'd liked her White Day gift.

They were all dear to him even if they'd amounted to nothing. All his small dreams and desires. Holding her hand, hearing her laugh, that smile, helping her study, her love of strawberries, and all the little things he'd held so dear for so long. She'd become that dream he'd envisioned in darkness: A happy home with everyone smiling. A home that no one would ever want to leave; a warm place. That was how he felt about her.

He'd only wanted the chance to love her.

Suddenly, everything stopped moving. His mind seemed to shut down, losing the vibrant emotion it had only just moments ago been pounding with. Everything stopped _being_, it seemed. The last thing he knew before passing out was an unnatural emptiness.

OoOoO

_As reason clouds my eyes, splendor fading_

_Illusions of the sunlight_

_And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting_

_With love gone for so long_

OoOoO

When Yuki regained consciousness and found himself on the bed in Hatori's miniature infirmary he didn't know what to think at first. Why on earth was he here? He felt fine and his bronchitis hadn't been a problem since the endurance run.

He sat up, trying to understand. He'd just have to find Hatori and ask him. The minute he got out of bed, his head began spinning at dizzying speeds and he put his fingers to his temples while the other hand sought support from the nearby wall. He tried to concentrate on the floor but his vision kept blacking out sporadically.

What had _happened?_

"Yuki?" Hatori's voice seemed far away and distorted. "Are you all right?"

"Um… My head hurts. I think I might have a headache or something." Even his own voice didn't seem where it was supposed to be.

His hand slipped on the wall and he fell, caught by someone's supportive hands which guided him to bed and forced him to lie back down. "Sleep," some one ordered, but he couldn't even identify the voice. Hatori? It had to be him. He was so confused; it was almost as if he'd lost something. "Sleep," Hatori's voice said again.

Almost against his will, Yuki fell into sleep, helpless against whatever was happening to him.

OoOoO

Hatori sat beside Yuki's bed and watched him sleep. He wasn't taking it well. Perhaps he was asleep now but what would happen when he woke up again? Hatori hadn't expected that kind of reaction from him; he'd never seen anyone respond that way after having their memories erased. He didn't even know what to call it. Disorientation seemed to be the best word for it. Was his mind searching for the lost memories and reacting to the loss?

"I'm sorry," Hatori told Yuki's sleeping form. "I'm sorry. This is the second time I've take away your dream."

Hatori knew that part of the beauty that drew people to Yuki was the ever-present hope in his eyes. If he had taken that light out of his eyes, the doctor wasn't sure he would be able to forgive himself.

OoOoO

_And this day's ending_

_Is the proof of time_

_Killing all the faith I know_

_Knowing that faith is all I hold_

OoOoO

The second time Yuki woke he was conscious of some one holding his hand. Still bleary, he glanced over to see Tohru sitting there. Why was she there?

The moment she saw him stir Tohru sat up, "Yuki-kun? How are you feeling? Hatori called last night to tell us you were here so I came to stay with you. Are you feeling better? I can—" She stopped talking when he wordlessly took his hand from hers and buried it under the covers.

"I'm fine, Honda-san," he said in an almost uncaring tone. It didn't even sound like him. Tohru looked at him a little more closely. He wasn't even looking at her anymore; instead he was staring up at the ceiling of the room. His eyes… they were void. There was no emotion at all behind them. He was a shell, his spirit gone and withered away.

He turned to look at her, his eyes almost haunting in how empty they were. "Why did you even bother to come?"

Tohru blinked. Yuki had never said something like that to her before. He usually apologized for making her worry and going to any trouble. And she'd assure him it was nothing and continue taking care of him. This wasn't like Yuki at all. "I came because I care about you, Yuki-kun." Her soft trembling voice was almost frightened. And this new version of Yuki honestly did scare her in how different he really was.

"Don't."

Yuki's answer once again took her by surprise. "Wh- what do you mean?"

"Don't care about me." Yuki turned his gaze to the window. "I'm not worth it." Then, he curled up on his side, hugging his knees to chest and pulling the blankets up over his head.

Tohru sat in silence, not even realizing she was crying until the tears ran down her face. She didn't think before saying, "Yuki-kun, stop it! Th-this isn't you! Please, come back to me. Please d-don't do this." She tried to pull back the covers, but he held them where they were. She touched his shoulder to shake him out of it and he tensed causing her to draw away instantly.

What she heard next broke her heart so entirely she couldn't even respond. "Go away, Honda-san. Leave me alone and don't come back." Although muffled, his voice was emotionless, the words he'd said not bothering him at all.

Unable to stand it anymore, she ran out of the room. "Hatori-san! Something's wrong! I- I don't understand. He's not acting like himself at all and I'm worried."

Hatori didn't seem surprise but rather mournful and dispirited. "Wait here," he said. Already knowing what he was about to see, Hatori went in to see Yuki himself. "You're scaring Tohru-san, Yuki," he told the blanket covered form.

Slowly, the blankets slipped away and Yuki looked at Hatori with the gaze he'd been dreading to see. The was no hope, or faith in the existence in something more. There was only an empty sea staring at him.

"Fine" was the heartless answer he gave before returning to his former position under the blankets.

Hatori sank down in the chair Tohru had abandoned and buried his face his hands to cry. Kana and Momiji… he'd taken their dreams away too. He'd _stolen_ from them. Both of them had remained hopeful and happy, even if his sleeping hours were haunted by what he'd done. This time though he _knew_ without a doubt that he'd ruined some one by his ability. Yuki could never recover from this.

The dream once nurtured by a tormented child as a last lifeline and fulfilled in a girl he had fallen in love with, had been destroyed. Not even a thread remained for him to hold onto. By taking the memory of his dream, he'd taken Yuki's will to live.

OoOoO

Under the darkness of the blankets on top of him, Yuki stared wide-eyed into the blackness, trails of tears shining on face. One thought dominated above all others: He could never be loved. He didn't deserve it. If people accepted him they would only reject him later. Filthy, disgusting rat. Unwanted. Unloved.

There was nothing in this life worth living for.

**Please don't hate me… I feel awful for writing something like this. *sob* All the same, what did you think? Please tell me! The review button calls your name and I'm already hitting the refresh button in my email in hope of your feedback. Please review!**


	2. Lifeless Words

**The unexpected second chapter. I sort of wanted to leave Yuki huddled under blankets and depressed. Period. Nothing after that. But... If you read my blog you saw my post about Shattered Dreams and know that that wasn't the original intention. He was meant to have a "recovery". I just didn't give him one. So... I wrote another chapter. I'm sorry if it doesn't match the standard of the first chapter, which I think was much more emotional. I tried. You can ignore this second chapter if you want to even. Gah. There was more to the song anyway. =_=**

**Disclaimer: I do not Fruits Basket, its gorgeous characters, or the lyrics. All rights go to Natsuki Takaya and Trading Yesterday.**

_And I've lost who I am_

_And I can't understand_

_Why my heart is so broken_

_Rejecting your love_

OoOoO

When Yuki came home the next day, Shigure and Kyo knew something was wrong at once. He didn't rise to the occasion when Kyo insulted him; in fact, he hardly said anything. Without a word, he went up to his room closed the door behind him.

"That was… odd. Haa-san said he was acting strange, but that almost goes beyond strange. He doesn't seem to care about anything." Shigure looked as confused as Kyo did.

"He's very different now," Tohru said quietly. "I don't understand why either. He won't even talk to me."

OoOoO

Yuki sat at the desk in his room, studying. The books lay open at his desk and he had a pen and blank notebook to take notes in, but he only stared at the materials, not caring. He already knew what the books said anyway.

His head began to pound again and he rested his forehead on one of the open books. These sudden headaches just wouldn't go away, damn it! And he always had the strangest thoughts during them too. Thoughts about Tohru, friendships, and of all the stupid things, hope. There wasn't any hope in this world for him. There was no reason to live. Friendship could never last. As for Tohru, he just didn't understand why his mind seemed to fill with thoughts and images of her during these headaches. The memories were familiar but the way he thought about them was immensely different when he felt normal. A blush wasn't just a blush, and strawberries were much more than a fruit in his garden.

Everything was meaningless until his head began pounding. That was when his mind seemed determined to conflict with reality.

When at last his headache subsided, he picked himself up off the desk and abandoned his books there in favor of sitting on his bed, staring off into space. Pulling his knees up to his chin, he set his forehead against them, trying to figure why only a few days ago he'd been so… happy. He could clearly remember being happy to be alive. He could remember what it felt like to smile, but now couldn't even imagine having anything to smile about. What had changed?

There was a soft knock outside his door. "Come in," he called, not bothering to change his curled position.

"I, um, brought up your supper," Tohru said.

Yuki didn't look up. "Leave it on the floor. I'll get to it."

Tohru set it down on the floor like he asked and looked at him for a minute, taking in his posture and how he seemed to be trying with all he had just to hold himself together. It was hard to see him this hurt and know she couldn't do anything about it. Would he even let her help? He hadn't seemed to want any help from her when he was still at Hatori's, but maybe he'd changed his mind since then?

"Yuki-kun? I want you to know that I'm here for you, okay? If you want some one to talk to, I'm here."

Yuki only silently shook his head in rejection of her offer.

OoOoO

_Love without, love gone wrong_

_Lifeless words carry on_

_But I know, all I know_

_Is that the end's beginning_

OoOoO

Weeks passed. Yuki hardly seemed present in school, and when he came home he'd shut himself in his room. Tohru would bring up his meals but most of the time they went untouched, causing him to lose weight. What little he said was vacant and often on the verge of rude. He didn't seem to care about anything or anyone, even going so far as to quit the student council.

Yuki hardly noticed his surroundings. He felt so empty it hurt. He tried sometimes to talk to the others but there always seemed to be a mental barrier that prevented him from opening up. He couldn't bring himself to risk being hurt by them. He was terrified of one of them rejecting him, even if Tohru, Haru, Momiji... everyone attempted again and again to reach out to him. The worst part was that he could clearly remember being close to these people before, but he couldn't imagine doing the same thing again.

Every day he made it through seemed like a victory. Death seemed like the more peaceful option – the better option, even. He didn't want to live in a world where people couldn't accept him or would only pretend to. They couldn't and he knew that with certainty. Was it because of that that he couldn't seem to allow himself to form the friendships he desired?

Either way, his world had turned to shades of gray and he didn't even know why.

OoOoO

_Who I am from the start_

_Take me home to my heart_

_Let me go and I will run_

_I will not be silent_

OoOoO

Tohru yawned as she made her way downstairs. Breakfast… what should she make? She was surprised to see the kitchen light on. Who was up? Kyo got up early to go running, but she never found him in the kitchen. When she saw Yuki standing in front of an open drawer she was even more confused. He hardly came out of his room, and waking up early wasn't exactly something he did often.

"Yuki-kun?" she said hesitantly.

Something dropped from his hand and clattered on the floor. He looked at her for a few moments, eyes as empty as ever and then walked past her and back upstairs without speaking to her.

She went over to where he'd been standing and picked up what he'd dropped. Her eyes widened as she stared at the small sharp knife. Had he been trying to commit suicide? "Yuki-kun…" Her voice was a small confused whisper. Why? What had happened to him?

With tears in her eyes, she gathered up every knife from the various drawers and hid them all in the very back of the top shelf of the spice cupboard. The Yuki she knew wouldn't want to give in so easily. He wouldn't try and take his own life. She couldn't stop trying to bring back the old him. The Yuki who'd desired life and not death.

OoOoO

_All this time spent in vain_

_Wasted years, wasted gain_

_All is lost, but hope remains_

_And this war's not over_

OoOoO

Tohru saw Yuki heading outside in his usual silence. She was determined to help him. He was in pain and although she didn't know how or why he'd come to be so entirely consumed by it she knew she couldn't stop trying to bring him out of it. Biting her lip, she saw him taking what had become a familiar path to his secret base.

Her heart lifted. That was a good thing, right? His garden was a place where he took care of his vegetable plants, and protected and preserved their life. It seemed like a good thing, and she debated following him or not for a few minutes before heading out the door herself.

When she caught up to him, she let a small strangled scream. "Yuki-kun, no!" He was pulling up all of his plants and carelessly throwing them into a limp pile on the edge of his precious garden. Leek, tomato, and cucumber plants lay uprooted and torn apart around him, others quickly joining them. "Stop it, Yuki-kun!" She ran up to him to hold him back but he pushed her away, knocking her off balance and causing her to fall.

"I already told you to leave me alone, Honda-san," Yuki said, his voice rising. She'd never seen him so angry in her life. Not even at Kyo. "Don't you get it yet? There's no reason for me to be alive! I _shouldn't_ be alive! Let me do this! Let me die! That's all I want from—" Suddenly, he stopped, letting out a small moan of pain and gripping his temples as he sank down onto his knees. "Not again," he mumbled.

"Yuki-kun?" Tohru hurried to his side. "Are you okay?"

Yuki shook his head. He hated these headaches; they made him feel vulnerable and… hopeful. He didn't want to feel that way. Especially not while _she_ was there. He knew that he might end up saying something or feeling something he didn't want to.

Tohru's voice sounded desperate. "What can I do? Should we go back to the house and call Hatori?"

"Give up on me." Yuki knew he was near tears and he held them back. These headaches made him too emotional; that was another thing he hated. "Please, just give up on me."

"No." Her voice was firm. "I won't give up on you, Yuki-kun. Because I know that this isn't you! Whatever pain you're going through right now, I want to help you through it. I won't stop. Please… tell me what's wrong."

OoOoO

_There's a light, there's a sun_

_Taking home the shattered ones_

_To the place we belong_

_And his love will conquer all_

OoOoO

Yuki struggled to keep his head straight. What she'd just said… it made him want to tell her everything and cry on her shoulder. He wanted to be with her. He didn't want to reject her or her help anymore.

No! He couldn't possibly allow himself that luxury. Filthy, disgusting rat. No one would ever show him kindness. He knew that. She didn't truly mean what she said; she'd only hurt him in the end like everyone else. Knowing that no one could love him was what made him want to die. A world without love and consisting of only darkness was one worth leaving.

Filthy, disgusting rat.

"Yuki-kun," Tohru said in a soft voice, placing her hands on his shoulders. "No matter what happens, I'll never leave you. I will not abandon hope that someday you'll be happy again."

Yuki wanted to push her away from him, but instead he found himself resting his forehead against her shoulder, letting himself cry out all the pain and confusion he'd felt over past many weeks. His headache still raged, the strange emotions urging him forward and he found himself saying something wouldn't have under normal circumstances. "I-I'm sorry for making you worry, Honda-san. I'm lost and confused right now and I don't know who I am or why I'm feeling this way. But… but it's the only thing that I can know is real."

Tohru smiled a little through her own tears. He was opening up, even if it was just a small step forward. "You don't have to be lost anymore, Yuki-kun. I'll always be here for you."

Yuki had the sudden feeling of being centered. Right here, with her, was a place he could stay. Even though his head was no longer reeling, he wanted to stay. He didn't want to leave her. It felt out of place and wrong to feel that way, but he didn't care. With her, it almost seemed as if he had a reason to live.

**\(^0^)/ A little hope at the end of the tunnel. So he won't be huddled under blankets forever. I might end up taking this down depending on feedback. Basically, I'm posting it under pressure from my sister and Emzi-chan. If I end up deciding it takes away from the original one-shot... It might disappear. If it comes off FF though to leave the first chapter as a loner, I'll post the second chapter on my blog so you can still read it if you want. (There's a link in my profile, by the way.) **

**Okay. Now I'm going to BEG you to review. Your reviews determine whether or not this stays where it is. If I don't get many reviews it probably will get taken down and moved. *shrugs* So if you like it and want to see it stay, let me know! Anonymous reviews are accepted.**


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